I’m grumpy today.
I’m on Day 3 of a 21-day sugar detox, which has me feeling sluggish and hangry and craving Reese’s peanut butter cups like woah. I made these apple streusel egg muffins yesterday with high hopes. They looked delicious. They tasted like absolutely NOTHING.
It was like a piece of tofu that someone made while thinking about apples and cinnamon.
This morning the only way I could choke one down was by combining each bite with a bite of bacon. Not even joking.
At least I get to have bacon.
But the detox isn’t all.
As of a few weeks ago, I’ve got a new neighbor upstairs in my apartment. He replaced a young couple with a toddler, who I thought were annoying as hell. But now I miss them, very very much.
Because they actually WENT TO BED AT A DECENT HUMAN ADULT TIME.
This fucking guy upstairs (pardon my French, I warned you I was cranky…) stays up all hours of the night, just WALKING around his apartment like he’s on crack, talking loudly on his phone, moving shit around his bedroom which is right above ours.
Our building is old, and the ceiling is paper-thin. Every footstep from above emits a horrid creaking groaning sound, like he’s about to come crashing through the drywall any second.
Needless to say, you CAN. NOT. Sleep through that mess.
So I’m running on only a handful of hours of sleep right now, because to my joy, last night he was especially active. I moved back and forth between the bed and the couch several times, trying to escape it.
The worst part is, even when there would be a long stretch of quiet time, I still couldn’t go to sleep.
Because I was enraged.
My heart was pounding, my face was hot, I was working out a dialogue of all the nasty things I wanted to march up there and say to him.
My brain wouldn’t even let me go to sleep, because I assumed that the second I started to doze off, he would be up and running laps around his fucking apartment again.
I’m RAGING mad writing about it right now!
Also, because he’s upstairs AS I WRITE stomping around like the damn incredible Hulk. It’s 11:30AM. He’s JUST now getting ready for work. I assume he works at some Silicon Valley startup crap that’s all like
“Duuuuude, bro, just come in when you want, maaaaaan, we’re like SUPER chill here, broooo.”
Must be nice, but it isn’t the case for my husband. And I didn’t want it to be the case for me, either, even though I get to work from home.
There’s other things. Things like being sick of this damn apartment, checking Craigslist every day only to find the only things we can afford are crappy, or “too good to be true” listings which end up being scams.
There’s my TaskRabbit lady, who I go help once a week with office errands and random stuff, who treats me like I should be on call for her: constantly changing our appointment times when I’ve planned the rest of my week around it. Having me come in for just an hour here or there, meaning I spend just as much time driving there and back as I do actually working and getting paid.
And I’m too damn nice to just stop going.
Being as repulsive as I am today, this morning I awoke to a message from her:
“please confirm your next appt.!!!!!”
Written just like that. Five exclamation points and all.
This is despite the fact that our next appointment is LOCKED IN and scheduled on the calendar that she has JUST as much access to as I do, and also the fact that only two or three lines above in our chat thread, is this conversation:
Me: “1pm May 10 it is!”
Her: “yes May 10th at 1”
You know, if she had just omitted the damn obnoxious, aggressive exclamation marks, I might have been ok.
But instead, I began my reply with an equal number of question marks, which were in place of the words “what the fuck are you talking about?? We’ve already confirmed!!!”
So my response said
“????? Tomorrow at 1pm as we ALREADY confirmed last Friday”.
Could I have just said “tomorrow at 1pm”? Of course. But today…ain’t my day.
The reason I’m writing about this is, one, to vent because it FEELS SO GOOD.
But also, because there’s some perspective that can be gained from all these “first world problems.” And no, this isn’t the part where I tell you to be grateful for what you have. That is an unreasonable request that no human being can possibly do all the time. It’s chemically impossible to not get miffed from time to time.
What I do want to point out, is that there’s nothing unfair about it all.
I have to pay my dues. I have to earn my comforts.
I’m eight months in to unemployment, and building my businesses. Things are starting to perk up; I have real clients and client inquiries to answer. I can see the promise of actual DOLLARS coming in soon.
But I’m not out of the woods yet. I still have to make sacrifices. I haven’t earned the money, or the success, or the right, to live in a nice house yet with all my walls and ceilings all to myself.
I haven’t earned the right to not have to do meaningless (and sometimes downright demoralizing for someone with a Master’s degree) work for a lady who thinks she owns me. It’s been the only way I could fund the classes I’ve taken, websites built, and other business costs. The alternative was someone just giving me money…but this way, it’s earned. I put in the frustrating hours to earn the small bits of cash to make my own startup money.
When I stop and look at it all this way, it lights a fire under my ass that makes me want to work harder and faster to get my dreams.
So I can move into a nice place.
So I don’t have to do busywork for some rich lady.
So I can have glorious, uninterrupted sleep (except for my damn cat who literally taps me gently on the arm every morning at 5AM to be fed).
These “first world problems” will never go away, they’ll only change. There will always be something. Even with the most success and all the riches in the world, we’ll always find reasons to be dissatisfied with parts of our lives.
But that’s okay, that’s human nature. It just means we don’t like to settle, and we always strive for better.
So for now, I can be grateful for the problems I do have, because they become fuel to add to my ambition to get my dreams.
My only regret is that my husband is having to pay the dues with me. But that’s yet more fuel for the fire.
The problems I have right now mean I have a (creaky) roof over my head, and even just a little bit of money coming in. I’m tired and hangry because I have the willpower to do something healthy for my body.
And best of all, I have someone who loves me enough to bear the burden too.
I can’t wait to see what problems I graduate to next! 🙂